Working in an office sucks

1. I have to be ‘presentable’. Pants?  Shoes? Come on!
2. I have to be in at 9am, which means waking up at 6am, which means I have developed a bitterness toward the world usually reserved for supervillains and people born without genitals.
3. If you’re the first one in, you feel like an overzealous loser, if you’re the last one in you feel like a slacker. I’m never in between.
4. My boss will never hear the patter of diligent typing, but lo and behold I forget to turn off the speakers for a sneaky Youtube clip and all of a sudden I’m being asked who Charlie is, and why he’s biting people’s fingers.
5. Asking about some co-workers’ weekends is fraught with danger. I have to prepare to either be bored into numbness, or being given far too much information that I may in fact vomit reflexively.
6. Every time a certain co-worker asks me to do something, she will always jokingly precede the request with: “Don’t hate me, but…” I hate her.
7. I get my seat adjusted juuust right. Then someone uses my desk while I’m away and now I feel as if I’m sitting on a pile of boulders.
8. I once caught myself talking about the need to streamline procedures. I felt so dirty.
9. My managers seem to subscribe to the cult of synergy. I have no idea what this is. I hope goats aren’t sacrificed.

10.  People keep leaving tuna juice in the bin in the office. Take your disgusting fish liquids outside!

11.  Every email I receive is followed by a phone call, which beings with “As per my email…”

12.  Every phone call I receive is followed by an email, which begins with “As per my phone call…”

13.  I have to attend meetings to decide on ideal times for other meetings.

14.  In meetings, my mind will alternate between imagining the CEO being carried away by a giant hawk with fearsome talons, and whether a t-rex would beat a scaled-up Jackie Chan in a fight. Then someone asks me a question and the hawks and dinosaurs and Jackie Chans disappear and I’m left looking foolish.

15.  Some people in the office get way too excited for stationery runs.

16.  The cleaner will clean the office around me and engage in awkward conversation about how he bought his kids a rabbit but it was run over by a semi trailer.

17.  I’m the only one in the office without a business card.

18.  It’s just far too easy to get so bored you draw self portraits on paint.

19.  So apparently it’s ‘unprofessional’ to do Christopher Walken impersonations in a meeting. But everyone knows circulation statistics are more exciting when delivered by Christopher Walken.

20.  Time literally slows down when you are inside an office. The CSIRO and NASA will deny this, but it happens.

21.  I find watching how Herbie the spider’s progress crawling up the window sill is more important than drafting a speech for our director to deliver at some supposedly important dinner.

22.  Brazenly cocky sales reps will breeze into the office unannounced, will shake my hand too hard, will call me mate and compliment my ‘cool t-shirt’, will ask me if I’m happy with my current choice of printer, will talk about toner, will leave a business card, will leave. I feel molested.

23.  Calling in sick requires me to produce a doctor’s certificate, which requires me to go to the doctor, which requires me to be sick, which defeats the purpose of a sick day.

24.  Dealing with the IT department… I didn’t ask for a long and complicated explanation of why my computer is broken, I just want you to make the smoke go away.

25.  For some reason I feel like ‘liaising’ with someone involves a clandestine meeting place and hurried lovemaking.

26.  I hate being asked to liaise with someone from IT. They smell like the inside of my shoe.

27.  Herbie has just crept a further two inches towards the top!

28.  I will sometimes print things just to look as if I’ve been productive. Never mind it’s a funny cartoon I read on cyanide and happiness.

29.  Somebody once actually said to me: “Oh, didn’t you get the memo…”. I thought they only said that in movies. To people the characters don’t like very much.

30.  There are beer stains on the roof to my office. It’s a long and boring story, but it’s true and it’s gross.*

31.  I once had to stop an (ex) boss from smashing the printer to pieces during a stress-related nervous breakdown.  I go to work to earn money, not haul damaged people back from the brink.**

32.  I’m no good at filing, but from what I can tell, working in an office is at least 75 per cent filing.

33.  I once found a stapler shaped like a crocodile in the stationery cupboard. To this day it remains my proudest achievement.

34.  All I hear is clunky footsteps from upstairs. It. Never. Ends…

35.  I am the only one in the office who doesn’t feel cold at 23 degrees. My office is a sauna.

36.  Somebody always takes my yellow post it notes, leaving me with crappy blue ones. Who can read something on a blue post it note?!

37.  I will drink copious amounts of water just so I need a toilet break to get out of the office.

38.  The sales rep is calling me now. I’m scared, but just can’t bring myself to speak out about it.

39.  Every Friday I realise I spent the majority of my waking hours of the past week with people who generally annoy me, berate me, patronise me or behave awkwardly around me.

40.  ‘Great meeting everyone… wait, what was that about?’

41.  Oh look, more tuna juice in the bin. Did I mention that the window in the office doesn’t open.

42.  I draw faces on all my stationery and give them names.

43.  I’ve noticed there are no clocks in the office. I’m pretty sure that’s Dickensian labour tactics.

44.  I once had to receive an email from my boss that informed me, very politely, that instead of publishing a notice of an upcoming forum to discuss public issues on the website, I published a notice of a forum to discuss pubic issues.

45.  The pretty girl in the café never remembers my order, but never forgets Tim from accounting’s.  Jerk.

46.  I got in trouble once for not printing double-sided.

47.  I have to pretend to laugh at the worst anecdotes in the world. Wow, so your cat jumped on your cupboard and stayed there the whole afternoon? That’s crazy!

48.  Work outings last five minutes of civil socialisation before descending into a scathing, venomous bitch-fest about every other department and the CEO.

49.  There is someone at worked named Garth. How can I not laugh?

50.  My mum found out my work email address and now asks me if I have eaten lunch yet or taken an umbrella.

51.  I have to ‘manage expectations’, which is essentially like trying to train a walrus to ride a unicycle.

52.  I always stuff up transferring phone calls.

53.  I get busted eating lollipops that are delivered to the office by the intended recipients.

54.  Passive aggressive notes adorn the office. People are very touchy about unwashed mugs in the sink.

55.  Paper cuts. They happen.

56.  Oh god, do I have to awkwardly sing ‘happy birthday’ again and hum the person’s name as I have no idea who we’re singing about?

57.  At least once a week I will spill coffee down the front of my shirt. It’s usually the day I wear a white shirt and usually the day I have important meetings.

58.  I hate the sound of my ‘being polite and professional to superiors’ voice.

59.  Fax machines are the devil and impossible to work and why the hell do we even have one in this day and age?

60.  If I bring in food, everyone expects me to share.

61.  I have to walk past happy, carefree people loafing about a leafy park on my way to work.

62.  At 3pm the walls actually start closing in.

63.  My paycheck doesn’t make a ‘ker-ching’ sound when I open it, despite my many requests for payroll to purchase musical envelopes.

64.  I file things away, but on the very rare occasions that I need them again, I forget where I filed them and assume I threw them out.

65.  Extended periods of proof-reading makes the English language look ridiculous. Read the word ‘prompt’ repeatedly and tell me it’s not the weirdest looking and sounding thing in existence.

66.  Home time, woo! Almost at the train station now, let’s just get my ticket ready… where’s my wallet?… oh that’s right, back on my desk.

67.  Sometimes someone will schedule a meeting for 4.30pm on a Friday. They didn’t even steep that low in Abu Ghraib.

68.  I wouldn’t be surprised if my building has asbestos and legionnaires and the only remaining traces on smallpox within its walls, it is 100 years old…

69.  When there’s a paper jam that cripples the printer and pisses everyone off – it’s always something that I sent… and it’s never work-related.

70.  Herbie has reached the top! I’m so proud of the little guy! But now what will I watch for three hours?

71.  I sometimes forget which direction the door opens and look stupid for pulling when I should be pushing.

72.  My spam filter still lets through emails with subjects such as ‘increase your bedroom drill’ and ‘no man is a man with a peasant watch’.

73.  The walls are beige and the carpet is a shit pattern.

74.  Lost people walk into my office to ask where the nearest toilet is. This effectively makes me a toilet helpdesk.

75.  I hate being one of those people who always complain about how their CEO is an idiot… but, he just is.

76.  I’m usually the one who has to deal with the local post office – and there are serious language barrier issues. I’m fairly certain it’s actually a displaced branch of Taiwan National Post.

77.  People will see my rubik’s cube and play aimlessly with it – completely ruining my progress. Actually there is no progress; I just hate people touching my stuff.

78.  Everything needs to be signed off by ‘stakeholders’, who I picture as an angry mob wielding wooden stakes, demanding to see all copy before being published.

79.  Themed Christmas parties result in outfits that leave far too little to the imagination on all the wrong people.

80.  ‘So, let’s talk timeframes…’ No, that’s a bad conversation topic, let’s talk about the weekend’s footy results, or music, or anything that doesn’t result in me having to complete a ridiculous amount of work in a ridiculously short time.

81.  I don’t know what the ‘CFwdALL’ button on my phone does and I’m scared I will accidently press it one day and initiate a global nuclear conflict.

82.   I’ve just realised the cords and wiring around my computer is like a giant electrical noodle monster that’s just waiting for an excuse to kill me.

83.  The only times I’m urgently needed for something is the split-second before I take a bite from my lunch. And no, it can’t wait.

84.  There’s always that one person in a meeting who loves the sound of their own voice.

85.  People in offices don’t catch up –  they ‘touch base’. I don’t want to touch anyone’s base, nor do I want them touching mine.

86.  There’s no room on the corkboard for a poster I designed because it’s full of happy staff group photos that I’m not even in because I was at home recovering from a concussion.

87.  I hate the sound the little clicky wheel thing on a mouse makes.

88.   My fish just died : (

89.  I now know a great deal about text fonts. Impressed, ladies?

90.  The awkward coffee-line conversation with that co-worker whose name and actual role I can never remember. Uh, nice weather today…

91.  Why do I have to chip in for a leaving present for somebody I couldn’t care less about and will never see again in my life? They’re off to bigger and better things, not war!

92.  Every month someone’s damn kid is raising money for their damn school and I have to buy Freddos but someone’s already taken all the peppermint chocolate ones so I’m left with the plain ones. Boo.

93.  Yay!, it’s another all staff email from some simpleton with another laboured comparison between Mondays and Fridays depicted by photos of cats, with extra large, colourful fonts!

94.  Double-yay!, somebody just hit ‘reply all’ to the email to chime in with a big old ‘LOL’…

95.  People keep erasing my robot soldiers off the whiteboard.

96.  Three words to send chills up your spine: team building exercise.

97.  I admire the CEO’s sincerity in his yearly thankyou email: ‘We couldn’t have done it without you,” done what? Pocket another few hundred thousand in bonuses?

98.  There is a girl in the office whose mobile ringtone is whatever is currently number one in the pop charts. And it goes off every time one of her airhead friends needs to discuss booking nail appointments, which is every hour.

99.  The textas we’re supplied with let off the most noxious fumes this side of a world war one battlefield.***

100. Part of my morning ritual is rolling my chair in to sit at my desk and violently smashing my right knee into the drawers.

101. I would write the 101^st reason, but I have to go to a two-hour meeting about what colour bin liner we should be using.

*Please note I am not a psychiatrist or police negotiator, otherwise that would be poor work ethic.

** Long story short, there’s a bar above the office, old building, cracks in the floorboards. Etc.

*** However, the more I inhale, the less this seems to be a negative.

101 Reasons why I hate crutches

1.  I move slowly.
2.  Too slowly.
3.  Even slower than a snail.
4.  I hate moving slowly, I’m usually the impatient person walking behind you wanting to slap you over the head for moving too slowly.
5 . I hate being this slow moving person.
6 .  Maybe I should slap myself over the head, perhaps I will feel better
7 . I did and now my head is sore.
8 .  I feel like I am permanetely sore, my injured foot, my arms, and my left leg that isn’t injured, most of these are attributed to the irritatingly painful crutches
9 .  People keep joking that my left leg is going to be huge compared to my weak right. This makes me worry.
10 . A lot.
11 . Possibly too much.
12 .  I need space to move around this doesn’t work when there is a crowd.
1 3 . I now hate crowds.
14 .  I also hate stairs. Who in the world invented them; they are a torture method for someone on crutches.
15 .  I mean do I hold the railing? Or do I attempt to juggle the crutches in the hope I don’t fall.
16 .  I always end up tripping up the stairs.
1 7 . Now my injured foot is even more sore.
1 8 . I curse and now I am even more irritated than when I started climbing the wretched and impossible stairs.
1 9 . I also fall down the stairs.
2 0 . This hurts.
2 1 .  A lot.
2 2 . I am covered in bruises.
2 3 . This is awkward.
2 4 . And embarrassing.
2 5 . My underarms have large purple bruises under them; this is painful when using crutches.
2 6 . I now struggle even more when trying to use them
2 7 . I am not so co-ordinated in the attempt at using these crutches, I find myself tripping over on flat surfaces.
2 8 . Don’t even get me started on uneven surfaces.
2 9 .  I curse some more. It goes something like this: ‘For cussing hells sake, cuss my cussing life” replace the cuss for a four letter expletive starting with F.
3 0 . I am sure you get the idea.
3 1 . I hate escalators; they are possibly an even worse torture method than stairs. I struggle to get onto them without tripping up or falling down the stairs.
3 2 .This annoys me. A lot.
3 3 . I have now learnt crutches and escalators are not friends.
3 4 . I am a PE teacher, sport and crutches are not friends.
3 5 . At my school the oval is a nice distance away from both the change rooms and store room.
3 6 . It is not only a mission but a near impossibility to reach the oval without wasting 20 minutes in a lesson.
3 7 . I feel so frustrated and annoyed by this.
3 8 . The walk to the oval is both hilly and full of pot holes.
3 9 . Pot holes and crutches are not friends.
4 0 . I fall over.
4 1 . The kids laugh.
4 2 . I want to curse but apparently this is unprofessional.
4 3 . The kids tell me to swear, they pretend to understand my pain.
4 4 . Hills and Crutches are not friends.
4 5 . Going down there is no real stability in your movement, try it, it isn’t fun.
4 6 . I almost fall, this time I do curse.
4 7 . The kids laugh and say ‘miss you swore … haha you’re in trouble’.  I curse again.
4 8 . The other teachers felt sorry for me so gave me the hall to use. This makes life a lot easier. I don’t want sympathy.
4 9 . Kids can’t be trusted to carry equipment, especially the footballs, soccer balls, tennis balls etc, they end up all over the court or oval, ever tried carrying stuff
on crutches?
5 0  .Can’t imagine it? Well it’s impossible, I am constantly struggling, I feel completely helpless.
5 1 .I am sitting down and refereeing a game in the hall a confiscated ball to my left. A child comes up to me and gets the ball and says ‘miss I am going to getthis ball and because you are on crutches there isn’t a thing you can do about it’.
5 2 . This isn’t the child being malicious rather thinking he is funny. I would be laughing too but I hate my lack of mobility.
5 3 . My year 11 kids see me in the playground and call out ‘miss come on move faster you’re going too slowly hurry up’.
5 4 . I retort by saying ‘come closer, I will introduce you to my friend Mr crutch, he doesn’t like smart arses’. They never take me up on that offer.
5 5 . My new nickname in the staff room is hop-a-long.
5 6 . I don’t want to be hop-a-long.
5 7 . I am forever being told to hurry up and forever being told that I am late. I feel frustrated by this.
5 8 . One of my staff members comes up to me and tells me that a year 7 kid came up to them and said ‘sir how mean I can’t believe they made the teacher on
crutches supervise the oval at lunch’.
5 9 . I agree. I was late to that too.
6 0 . My colleague whose classes I was taking whilst he had a knee reconstruction comes back to work two weeks after surgery when he sees me he taps me on
the shoulder and says you are worse than me. I am shocked.
6 1 . He isn’t on crutches just has a slight limp. I shake my head, how in the world does that happen. I despise the crutches even more.
6 2 . Yes, I am happy for him but my injury isn’t as bad as his though it seems like it is if you compare our mobility.
6 3 . We had a practice fire drill at school; the route I had to take was the longest route imaginable. I realise if there really was a fire I would probably have
been caught in it.
6 4 . Do people not think about people with mobility issues? Why don’t they make a more direct route? Or at least make it a little bit easier.
6 5 . I have discovered carrying anything and crutches don’t mix.
6 6 . I came home and had my backpack, a can of coke, jumper, phone and car keys, I tripped over the crutches up my step and ran into the door.
6 7 . My foot, head and arm now all hurt. I stumble through the door at which point mum says ‘you should have told me to help you’. I am irritated and frustrated.
6 8 . I went shopping with a friend, she ran into my crutches, and then laughed when I tripped.
6 9 . I got my revenge when she did it again and my tripping over ended with the crutch landing on her foot. Who’s laughing now sucker?
7 0 . I ran into her the third time, she turned to me and said, “Just because you are on crutches, doesn’t mean you own the whole floor”. Sympathetic no?
7 1 .We are walking (well I am hobbling) along the path to another shop two girls walk straight toward me then at the last second part like the red sea to avoid
walking into me.
7 2 . My friend laughs. I mean what did these girls think that I was going to? Move in the super quick speed I am capable of. Some people are so stupid!
7 3 . Further along and onto another shop en route we spot an elderly lady hobbling along, she looks me up and down with this look of sympathy we understand
each other’s pain. My friend laughs.
7 4 . Apparently I am hilarious. I don’t want to be.
7 5 . Ramps do not help me so quit suggesting I use them, going uphill is painful and takes some effort, my arms and legs ache in this effort.
7 6 . They are like hills impossible to navigate.
7 7 . It may be cold outside but I am permanently hot, this is a by-product of the effort I use to get around anywhere.
7 8 .This is not good because I don’t like to use this much effort just to get around.
7 9 . It annoys and frustrates me.
8 0 .I go to my friend’s house and end up trying to find a park as close as possible to her place. Of course I don’t find one. I am resigned to the fact that I am going to have to hobble over to her place.
8 1 .When I attempt to cross the road a car almost hits me, this irritates me.
8 2 .I subsequently learn roads and crutches don’t mix. Drivers clearly have no patience for those with mobility issues.
8 3 . I hate these impatient people
8 4 . When I finally get to her intercom I press the button and she buzzes me in. I can’t co-ordinate my crutches and the door. I have to press the buzzer again.
8 5 . I feel useless. I don’t like this feeling. It makes me sad.
8 6. I look at the stairs and they scare me, they are made of marble, if I fall I know it will hurt. A lot well more than concrete.
8 7. Luckily she has kindly held the door open for me, as I discover when leaving the door is heavy I can’t open it.
8 8 . I subsequently learn I cannot open doors.
8 9 . Doors are the bane of my existence, they are another torture method; I hate them.
9 0 .Each door I attempt to open I find myself stumbling through, hitting my head
on or completely unable to open. It usually ends in me getting frustrated.
9 1 .When I am out and about shopping or anywhere where there is a crowd I find myself being stared at. Yes, I am on crutches, move on
9 2 . I hate feeling like the spotlight is on me. I don’t like being the centre of attention.
9 3 .My friend tells me that crutches are a conversation starter. She doesn’t understand I don’t like being the centre of attention, I am somewhat shy, and the thought of being the focus of attention terrifies me.
9 4 .I  now realise I have no social life. I feel sad because of this.
9 5 .I don’t like small spaces. Crutches and small spaces don’t mix.
9 6 .I find myself tripping over objects or knocking things over. This leads to awkward apologies and evil stares. I dislike both.
9 7 .  I have come to realise that driving and crutches don’t mix.
9 8 . Well getting into and out of a car is very difficult, trying to co-ordinate getting my bag and crutches out and then not hitting the car next to me or
tripping and falling, all very impossible and annoying
9 9 . Anyone that has ever had crutches will know they are impossibly frustrating, but at times and very unfortunately necessary if only there was a viable and
much less annoying alternative.
1 0 0 . I go to return my crutches, this being a very happy moment and I am supposed to get all my money back, I don’t because I am late, no one tells me
this can happen, I curse the crutches even more.
1 0 1 .I must seem like all I do is complain and I guess this is a documentation of my annoyance and frustration, I do realise there are much worse things in life.

Why and what I hate about the snow

1.) The snow is for rich people. High brows are the worst.
2.) Because it’s for the rich I miss seeing deznuts acting bogan.
3.) I’m out of pocket a grand for three days of being on my ass.
4.) All the people I’m here with are better than me…
5.) So I’m always on my own.
6.) I hate waiting in lift lines because the runs just aren’t long enough.
7.) I didn’t bring a face cloth so my nose is always cold.
8.) My butt is so sore from falling over all the time.  Sitting is a pain…
9.) ….on lifts….
10.) ….when eating lunch…
11.) …when sitting in the car….
12.) ….while trying to lay in bed….
13.) …on the toilet….
14.) ….being jovially smacked on the ass by my mates….
15.) …..and even just trying to stand up kills what’s left of my tailbone.
16.) My bindings are ancient. They bear the initials E. Hemingway.
17.) I dislocated my knee at the beginning of the year in the surf and it’s never been the same since.
18.) Snowboarding does not help this
19.) I’m sick of hearing “Suck it up and just try harder”.
20.) The ground is harder than my ability to try harder.
21.) The staff are rude. I’m sure it’s because they are stinging to be on the slopes but can’t be, so they take out that frustration on beginners by yelling at them….
22.) ….when getting on lifts….
23.) ….getting off lifts….
24.) ….and when taking really complex coffee orders like “soy flat white”. It’s really not that hard.
25.) It’s boring exploring the snow on foot….
26.) Even more so when trying to make a snowman by yourself (I forgot to bring a carrot).
27.) The hills aren’t steep enough. I keep stopping dead on all the flat parts.
28.) I can’t keep the edge when on my toes. I probably never will.
29.) I can only banana down the hill and I’m not ashamed of it.
30.) A kid ran over my arm when I was taking my board off so now that hurts too.
31.) I always fall over when getting off the lift…
32.) So I’ve developed a phobia/complex about catching the lift back up.
33.) I’d rather walk.
34.) I can’t manage the T bar.
35.) I’ve fallen off it four times now.
36.) The fourth time the bar caught me on my nuts. Now my scrotum is sore too.
37.) I don’t look up to or respect the professionals.
38.) My blonde tips make people think I’m better at snowboarding than I really am.
39.) my snowboots make me walk like I have the carrot that I thought I was missing for the snowman up my ass.
40.) I keep missing calls on my phone when I’m on the snow.
41.) My goggles fog up too easily. They possibly could be for welding, not snowboarding.
42.) My board is too small for me apparently…
43.) but I got it for free so I refuse to pay for one that does fit.
44.) I won’t take up skiing because I think it looks gay…
45.) So I’m stuck with the eternal struggle of snowboarding.
46.) Snowboarders are as bad as moto riders.
47.) I’m sick of seeing straight brim hats, UNIT t shirts, or Von zipper sunglasses.
48.) I keep forgetting to bring my sunglasses with me everyday.
49.) You have to have your boots done up really tight. I think I’ve cut off the circulation to my feet.
50.) The wind always blows me in the wrong direction.
51.) I’m tired of having to look at peoples lobster faces and goggle outlines. Wear suncream people! Sheesh.
52.) I can’t stop whinging.
53.) I’m always alone because I won’t stop whinging.
53.) I finally called back one of my missed calls just so I could whinge to them.
54.) Food is too expensive here. 14 bones for a handful of chips and a skerric of chicken schnitzel?!? Fuck that noise.
55.) Our toilet is leaking water.
56.) I’m overly suspicious that really it isn’t leaking, but that others aren’t aiming properly.
57.) It’s hard to sit on the toilet with massive snowboots on.
58.) Wiping is also difficult when you can’t feel your fingers because of the cold.
60.) the lady just worked out my coffee order and, surprise surprise! It sucks.
61.) Im sick of looking like a loser because I’m never with my friends.
62.) I can’t manipulate anything when I’ve got my gloves on.
63.) There’s too much artificial heating.
64.) There aren’t enough open fires.
65.) Cold beers aren’t refreshing in the cold. They’ve lost all meaning to me now.
66.) I think my sacrum is bruised but I’m too scared to look.
67.) Besides, I don’t think I’ve ever looked at my ass in a mirror. Ever.
68.) nobody appreciates the bricks I’ve been making out of icy snow.
69.) I just realised my beanie isn’t waterproof. It’s decorative only.
70.) Everytime I fall over I can’t help but think of how much it’s costing me to land hard on my butt.
71.) My friends want to party hard and late then get up early.
72.) There’s a distinct lack of sleep going on, contributing to my crankiness.
73.) And I don’t have the keys to the car so I can’t catch up on z’s.
74.) The free breakfasts are terrible and I’m just not grateful enough.
75.) I’m a bad sport. I quit going on the slopes for 2 hours just like I quit when I was losing at playing a memory game of cards with a disabled person.
76.) I’m afraid that I can come up with 101 reasons why I dislike the snow and not 101 for why I like it.
77.) I refuse to pay for lessons.
78.) I refuse to let my friends pay for me to get lessons.
79.) I’m born stubborn.
80.) Nobody likes my music so I’m forced to endure Nickelback and other heinous concoctions of music.
81.) I see supposed “trendy” snowboarders but I think it’s nothing special.
82.) They probably think I dress pretty silly too.
83.) I hate that even more.
84.) I dislike that I didn’t try showboarding earlier…
85.) Or maybe that’s a good thing.
86.)I  set goals for myself but so far I’ve only achieved one.
87.) The other goals require more effort and I’ve just got no tailbone left for it.
88.) The lines for food are too long. They don’t have enough people working for how many people are here to ski etc.
89.) I don’t like it when someone stops in front of you thus spraying you in snow.
90.) Icy parts of the snow. I always stress when I’m stuck on a patch of ice…
91.) And then I’ll fall over on the ice and bruise myself further.
92.)Tthe advice I was given on the T bar was “just go with it”.
93.) I “went with it” and fell.
94.) so they suggested “just don’t think about it”.
95.) I cleared my mind and still fell. No zen in this boy.
96.) “maybe you need to think about it more and keep your board straight”.
97.) Yep, used more than the supposed 10% of brain power we actually use at all times and still stacked it.
98.) I’ve now developed a complex about the T bar.
99.) Hence why I’m back writing this…
100.) To warn others…
101.) And remind myself why I don’t like the snow that much for my first time.

My friends are cooler than your friends

1. My friends have excellent music taste. They listen to indie dance and indie pop and sometimes wear red lipstick like real indie kids.
2. My friends have debated the size and weight of an average whale’s testicles. They now feel sorry for whales. Whales carry a heavy burden.
3. An email just arrived in my inbox – subject line: ‘Lustful piggie dog’.
4. My friends and I have sushi and discuss our preferred ways of dying (cliff-jumping, insulin overdose). This makes us laugh a lot.
5. Sometimes on a dance floor my friends and I turn in circles until we get dizzy. We are in our twenties.
6. My friends and I once drank three long island iced teas in half an hour … and then went home.
7. My friends are all university-educated and therefore very clever.
8. My friends are all very pretty.
9. My friends visit op-shops and leave with velvet mini-dresses, high-waisted skirts and long dresses with ampersands on them.
10. My friends and I buy a tub of mango and macadamia ice-cream and a packet of plastic spoons. This is an appropriate activity for a Friday night.
11. My friends and I wear each other’s clothing. Sometimes we steal clothes off each other and only give them back when we get caught wearing the clothes in question for a second or third time.
12. I once gave up drinking for a month. My friends and I got into board games.
13. My friends are always having the most fun.  You’re probably jealous.
14. My friends can talk me into most things: ‘Hey, let’s get doubles!’ ‘Okay.’ ‘You should kiss that boy!’ ‘Okay.’
15. My friends have debated whether Jila mints are classified as confectionary or stationary: inconclusive evidence exists to make a decision.
16. One of my friends got a boyfriend. Oh, how the rest of us laughed.
17. My friends would rather read books than attend sporting events.
18. We joke that we will grow up to become cat ladies. We are learning to like cats.
19. My friends are nurses and PE teachers. I don’t need a doctor; they have all the answers.
20. My friends and I invented pants vodka.
21.    One of my friends got a girl-stalker. Oh, how the rest of us laughed.
22. My friends require photographs to remember festival-days. We party that hard.
23.    Two boys once asked my friend and I on a double date. We accepted, thought about it, declined.
24.    If I take a pretty photo of one of my friends, I say it is a ‘Russh cover shot.’ They know what I mean.
25.    On my eighth birthday my friend gave me a card that read: ‘I hope you know that you are one hundred and eighty and your hair is gray.’ We are still friends.
26.    My friend said this: ‘Look at this ring! I found it in the toilet.’
27.    My friends are not opposed to breakfast goon.
28.    Baking drunk muffins is always a good idea.
29.    I once kissed a boy I really liked.  The next day my friend wrote on my facebook wall, ‘We really took feral to a new level last night!’
30.    I got a text message: ‘I just saw a ranga but she isn’t as pretty as you.’
31.    Have you and your friends ever staged a photo shoot with a head-sized chocolate egg? Didn’t think so.
32.    My friends paint pictures, make jewellery, alter op-shop clothes. They are talented.
33.    My friends and I have never worn matching outfits to a music festival.
34.    Each of my friends has a title: the sexy one, the mysterious one, the cool one. They are sexy, mysterious and cool.
35.    You’d rather listen in on our conversations than watch Sex and The City.
36.    My friends will never appear on a current affairs television program.
37.    My friend caught me cheating at Uno. She said ‘This isn’t just about you. Your cheating affects everyone else you know.’  I’m not sure this makes her cool but let’s pretend.
38.    My friends do not wear designer clothing, but you should see how stylish they are.
39.    I was miserable. My friend came to my house with sushi, chocolate and love tea.
40.    My friend and I spent Saturday night in with sushi, chocolate and love tea. We watched a Zac Efron movie.
41.    Halfway through the Zac Efron movie I said to my friend: ‘Um, I kinda have a crush on Zac Efron right now.’ She said: ‘Me too.’
42.    My friends and I have named each other’s nonexistent babies using compounds of our names and the nonexistent father’s names. For example, if my friend’s name was Mariah and she was sleeping with a boy named Luke, we would name her nonexistent baby Luriah. Yeah, we’re that quirky.
43.    My friends and I are probably sitting around with a glass of chardonnay right now, making fun of what you and your less-cool friends are wearing. Not to your face, obviously.
44.    My friends are mostly single. This makes them infinitely cooler.
45.    My friends are actually wonderful wonderful, caring people. I’m worried I’ll make them look bad.
46.    When we see a band there is always one question we ask each other: who would you do? We see a lot of bands.
47.    For what it’s worth, I’m not as bad as I’ve made myself look (although this is up for debate.)
48.    My tongue is numb. I call a nurse-friend. ‘Am I going to die?’ I ask. ‘I don’t know,’ she says, ‘You probably just ate too many Jila mints.’
49.    I have a bottle of wine in my bedroom. It belongs to one of my friends but I think I’ll keep it.
50.    Your friends probably wear tights as pants. Mine do not.
51.    Same goes for platform stilettos.
52.    And tiny dresses without tights or a jacket when it’s cold.
53.    I am lost in the city. I have had too much tequila. I drop my phone and it breaks. My friends come and find me. They bring tequila.
54.    My friends were cold so they stole the banner from Hungry Jacks.
55.    A night out with my friends has been known to end in a game of human chess.
56.    My friends and I go out to dinner. We steal food off each other’s plates.
57.    It was a friend’s birthday. My friend and I bought a cake from the supermarket, decorated it and pretended we baked. We almost got away with it.
58.    My poodle likes my friends.
59.    Have you and your friends ever been in a dance-off at a major music festival? Didn’t think so.
60.    My friends spend a lot of time discussing boys.
61.    My friend and I were discussing boys. I said ‘There’s probably a hundred and one reasons we’re single.’ You can guess what happened after that.
62.    I have chosen all my friends’ future husbands. The choices change weekly.
63.    We went to a fancy dress party. We dressed as glitter. Shit got messy (in the shiniest way).
64.    My friend and I were at the markets. We bought cactuses.
65.    My friend and I named our cactuses after Mighty Boosh characters.
66.    Both Vince and Howie are dead/dying.
67.    My friends and I invented a drinking game involving squats and a Bloc Party song. Basically whenever Kele says ‘Give me one more chance’ you squat and drink at the same time. This is hilarious.
68.    My friend met her boyfriend at retro night.
69.    My friends and I went on a road trip. My friend made a mixed CD. It included Outkast, Groove Armada and that song that was in the film of The Beach. An impeccable selection.
70.    My friends and I were waiting for a bus. We were hungover. I made up a ‘waiting for the bus’ dance. A British guy introduced himself. We became friends. Later I asked him if he wanted to be my friend purely because he saw my dance. He admitted he did.*
71.    My friends change the colour of their hair on a whim.
72.    My friends read my book-in-progress. They tell me it is amazing and that I, in turn, am amazing.
73.    The back seat of my car is filled with mixed CDs and cardigans my friends have left behind.**
74.    I need new denim shorts. My friend says ‘I probably have a pair that’d fit you.’
75.    My friends do not play Farmville or Cafe World or that fucking wizard thing on facebook.
76.    Actually, one of my friends once played Zooworld or something for a while. Oh, how the rest of us laughed.
77.    My friends have planned their Splendour outfits months in advance. They’re gonna look awesome.
78.    Last year at Splendour my friends and I got in a mud-fight. One of my friends then fell in love with one of our mud-fight opponents. They got a love bracelet to prove it.
79.    My friend got a phone that reads the name of incoming callers out loud. We made the phone say ‘I like cheese.’
80.    Sometimes, when I’ve had too many wines, I stare at my friends and am amazed at how beautiful they each are, in their own sexy, cool and mysterious way.
81.    In Year 5 my friends and I had a Spice Girls-themed party. Shake it to the left if you’re having a good time.
82.    My friends do not know who Kim Kardashian is. Or Justin Bieber. Either do I.
83.    My friends do not read the kind of women’s magazines that tell you to lose a dress size in order to find a man. Perhaps this is why they are not educated on the Justin Biebers of the world.
84.    My friends do not have a crush on Edward Cullen.
85.    My friends do not have Southern Cross tattoos.
86.    Actually, my friend once dated a boy with a Southern Cross tattoo. Oh, how the rest of us laughed.
87.    My friends are endlessly amused by a website that produces a cat-face when you click on it.
88.    Have you and your friends ever searched dating websites to make fun of singles who are so desperate they would resort to internet dating? No, neither have we.
89.    My friends have a basic grasp of spelling and grammar.
90.    ‘Best gym sesh eva! BOO-YAH’:  my friends would never status shit like that.
91.    My friend called me. She forgot what she wanted to ask me. I said she called to ask me what she was going to wear out that night. She did.
92.    One of my friends did not like sushi. The rest of us converted her into a sushi-lover.
93.    We went to sushi once. One friend said ‘I don’t eat anything from the sea.’ Another friend said ‘Luckily everything is wrapped in seaweed.’
94.    I decided to detox so my friend and I had a pretox.
95.    There is a shop in Kogarah called Shopping Paradise. It stocks engrish-packaged goods including ‘FROG’. ‘FROG’ is actually a peanut. This makes my friends and I laugh a lot.
96.    Hungover yum cha. Yum (cha).
97.    My friends once wore old curtains to a party. They still looked hot.
98.    My friend and I were bored on a plane. We played ‘Who would you do?’ until we had narrowed it down to our #1 choices.
99.    We then planned our mythical weddings to the #1 choices.
100.    You can always rely on my friends and I to take it one step too far.
101.    My friends are cooler than your friends because they’re friends with me. Obviously.***

*I am aware this story in no way proves that my friends are cooler than your friends, but you have to admit it’s a pretty good story.

** They also left behind lolly wrappers and water bottles, but we’ll let that slide.

***Unless your friends are also my friends, in which case this could get confusing.

I need to move out of home

1. I’m 23 and way too mature to rely on anyone else.
2. I’m selfish. I don’t deal well with being told to clean up after other people.
3. Every time i use the toilet someone has dropped a corpse 5 minutes earlier.
4. I heard my parents having sex once.
5. I don’t like my brother as a person. He plays football and grunts a lot.
6. I sometimes find myself hanging 50 pairs of dads underpants on the washing line.
7. I constantly get told that I’m lazy and need to pull my weight around the place.
8. My 14-year-old brother watches porn on my computer when im not home.
9. We don’t have any household rules against farting at the dinner table.
10. I get locked out of the house at 4am and have to break in through the second story window because no one will get out of bed to let me in.
11. My brother steals the charms off my necklaces. I’m not entirely sure why yet.
12. My 17-year-old brother plays war video games 6 hours per day. It sounds like our house is being bombed.
13. My mum likes to steal my clothes out of my room
14. Every time i go out i have to stand in the middle of the  lounge room before i go and let my dad judge my outfit.
15. I once caught one of my brothers friends looking through my window as i was getting changed.
16. The police regularly knock on our front door. They usually have my 17-year-old brother. As i said, he plays football.
17. My dad calls out to me to come in to the loungeroom. I leave what ever I am doing. He yells out “quickly!” He wants me to see amazing wingspan of the wedge tailed eagle on T.V. By the time i reach the loungeroom it’s an ad. break.
18. I live in an area which is so far out of the way that taxis never know where to go. Sometimes I don’t even know where to go. This is hard.
19. I had a boy over once. In the morning i had to get up and go to uni. I told him to go and find my mum when he wanted a lift home. Then I left him there.
20. I am way too comfortable here.
21. In the bathroom next to my room there is a toilet which flushes itself automatically every 5 minutes. It wakes me.
22. People assume that I’m not independent. Just because my mum buys my underwear.
23. My street name makes my porn star name brilliant. Wait that’s a reason to stay at home.
24. My neighbour likes cars. He revs them. I hate cars.
25. Sometimes i get so angry i throw my shoes at my brother. I’m not an angry person.
26. My 20-year-old brother stood on the toilet so that he could see himself in the mirror better. He snapped the seat in half.
27. My mum buys spreadable spam
28. My parents are obsessed with football.
29. I say hello to my 17-year-old brother. He sticks his finger up at me. I throw a shoe at his head.
30. My brother was in my room with his pants around his ankles. My computer was free again.
31. Instead of lovely flowers or ornaments adorning our window sill, we have empty protein shake containers.
32. I can’t tell when my dad is drunk or sober anymore.
33. If i try to make a point at the dinner table i get told to peace out
34. It is never possible to locate the phone in our house. It once ran out of battery while it was missing so our house was uncontactable for 2 months.
35. My brother is going through puberty. Body odour, pubes and porn. That’s all.
36. My dad thinks it is hilarious to rub chilli around peoples cups so that when they take a swig they burn.
37. My mum is the most unsympathetic person alive. She once told me i had MS because my hand had pins and needles.
38. My folks are following a minimalist approach to parenting. they let my brothers do anything. This has included letting them get a motorbike.
39. My brother was chased home by the police on his motorbike. My dad answered the door in his underpants.
40. My family is nuts on so many levels. I’m not sure how normal this is.
41. My mum believes that when my dad gets up in the middle of the night he farts so loudly that he wakes the neighbours up. She tells us about it in the morning.
42. I don’t believe that i can ever take anything seriously after living in this house for so long.
43. My dad calls out loudly for me to see him in the kitchen “JESSIE, JESSIE! QUICKLY!”. It sounds like there’s actually something i need to see. He opens up the dishwasher and says “it’s all yours”.
44. When i volunteer to cook for the family my dad scrutinizes my every move in the kitchen and tells me how to improve my rice cooking skills. If he was my brother i would throw my shoe at him.
45. My mum says “welcome to the real world” so much that it has lost all meaning.
46. My brothers find it hilarious to mock the way that i talk and have lines that they are constantly saying to make me want to throw shoes. Some examples include “i don’t want to spew on my own shit” (you don’t want to know) and “my name’s jc, just chill out, peace”.
47. My mum buys raspberry flavoured sultanas. Because the original sultana flavour just isn’t good enough.
48. Fantasia and Alice in Wonderland are on high rotation on our T.V.
49. I buy my own food anyway. I don’t care for spreadable spam.
50. My glands were swollen one day. Mum told me i had the mumps.
51. My mum plants large rooted trees near our neighbours pool in hopes that the roots will spread and ruin it. I don’t want to be there when there is a fountain of pool water flowing in to our yard.
52. i bought a hat. it’s not in my room anymore.
53. My mum tipped a can of whole beetroot out in the garden. After a week they went brown and it looked like aliens had come and taken oval shaped shits on the plants.
54. I can’t think properly. There is always someone making animal noises or playing war games.
55. The number of shoes i threw today
56.  Sometimes i wear industrial earplugs to bed
57. I want to go to bed. There is a dog asleep on my pillow
58. I share a bathroom with three boys. They leave the seat up and urinate everywhere
59. My clothes don’t pick themselves up off the floor now do they
60. To get a point across in this family, one must use sarcasm or an animal noise. I usually hiss
61. Whenever my mum buys any fruit or vegetable that remotely resembles a penis (e.g carrot, banana, pear, eggplant, zucchini or cucumber) my brother puts it down his pants and walks around saying “stiffy”
62. “Jessie, come and make the salad”. Hiss
63. I think my parents were on something at my 21st birthday. The photos prove it.
64. Every morning before i leave the house for work i have to wake up my pubescent brother. He sometimes pitches a tent during the night. If you know what i mean.
65. My street cred is being effected by living at home
66. I no longer know how to win an argument without throwing a shoe.
67. I caught myself feeling jealous of the dog the other day.
68. I can always smell sausages. It gets old.
69. I end up in the garden every time i reverse down the driveway. I get alien shit on my tyres
70. My dad always calls me and makes me look at what the dog is doing. Most of the time it is just sitting there. Dad thinks this is amazing.
71. We all sit down to dinner together as a family every night. We have our own seats. I suggested changing seats to vary it up a little. Every one refused. I’m stuck listening to my brother chew like a horse.
72. My brothers taste in music reminds me of a sewer
73. My mum constantly reminds me that she was out of home and had a baby when she was my age. She says this to highlight my immaturity. I tell her that i eat baby.
74. Birds leave the nest when they learn to fly. Obviously i can fly.
75. I want to walk through Woolies comparing the prices of toilet paper and buy my own non flavoured sultanas.
76. I want to wear my undies while cooking and sing pop songs as i stir my exquisite casserole.
77. I slide down the stairs on jumbo pillows when my parents aren’t home. It would be good if i could do it all the time.
78. I love to eat frosty flakes when I’m watching my cartoons
79. It’s the end of the day and i am trying to unwind. The house is vibrating. “I’ll take ya to the candy shop. want one tasta what i got. I’ll let you lick the lollipop. keep goin til you hit the spot hoeeee”. My brother loves that song.
80. I just stepped in mud. I think it might be poo
81. I want to leave things as clean or as messy as i choose.
82. I want to be able to control more things. Like the weather and how well my steak is cooked.
83. It is impossible to find anything in this house if you misplace it.
84. It is hard to know whether it is family members stealing your shit or if you are just going mad.
85. My brother blamed me for stealing his iPod. I did.
86. He has his revenge by stealing the charms off my necklaces. I’m not sure if that’s the only reason he steals them.
87. I blamed my brother for stealing my hat. I found it flung down the side of my bed. I didn’t admit I’d found it
88. My mum just accused me of taking the umbrella as i was typing #85. NO!
89. I never have any underpants. I want to wash and hang my own up rather than 50 pairs of dads. Mum said i should buy my own. Maybe i would if i didn’t live at home.
90. I need a new bed. Mine squeaks. It’s only going to happen when i move out.
91. My dad is a builder. He built another house in our street. The roof blew off. I’m scared it might happen again.
92. Our dogs cry whenever my parents leave the house. They make me feel as though I’m not good enough to keep them company.
93. I love my brothers. I think we have enough loving memories to sustain us in our forced conversations at future family christmas get togethers.
94. When my mums mum calls the house, my mum runs and gets in the shower or does something which renders her totally unavailable to talk. She admits that she will do this when i call the house aswell. I admit that i will do the same.
95. Although we know we love each other dearly, affection is something that we were never taught. Love is expressed through shoe throwing and banter. It’s time i learnt some affection.
96. My dad has a loud and very deep voice. I imagine it’s what god would’ve sounded like. Imagine god telling you to unpack the dishwasher.
97. When it comes down to it i am very lucky to have a family. They have taught me many things about the world. Time to unleash some of these crazy ideas.
98. My parents built our house so that the toilet is in the same room as the shower. Big mistake.
99. My brothers shove snack wrappers down the side of the lounge. They snack a lot.
100. When i leave home i will miss them all, i will stop making animal noises, throwing shoes and possibly even sliding down the stairs on large pillows. hmmm……
101. nah.

Why I’m single: a male perspective

1. I don’t like your music.
2. You hate my music.
3. I like to sing.
4. I can’t sing very well.
5. I hate rugby league.
6. I look nothing like a rugby league player and pray to god I never act like one.
7. I don’t like to go out that much.
8. I work way too much.
9. I not that into fashion.
10. I’m far from fashionable.
11. I don’t watch TV.
12. I’m certainly no master chef.
13. I work lots of night shifts.
14. I work lots of weekends.
15. I’m leaving the country.
16. I don’t smoke.
17. When I drink, I don’t stop until I’ve done something stupid.
18. I won’t apologise for doing something stupid in the morning.
19. I will think its your fault I did something stupid.
20. I will quit drinking for months on end and offer no real explanation.
21. I get paid good money but will not spend it on you.
22. I expect you to get off your arse and fend for yourself.
23. I don’t want to spend every weekend hanging out with your mother.
24. I don’t really want to get to know your friends. You are all I signed up for.
25. Deep down I don’t actually approve of you myself.
26. Pretty sure no-one approves of you.
27. I hate people who sit inside and watch TV every night.
28. If you watch home and away/neighbours please never ever talk to me.
29. Everybody here has been with everybody else so talking to girls is hazardous to my health. I agree with Frank Turner.
30. I hate drugs.
31. I’m a hypocrite, I love medicinal drugs because I know exactly what they will do to me.
32. I think I know stuff but usually I’m just making it up.
33. Girlfriends are expensive.
34. Girlfriends have issues.
35. I don’t have issues.
36. I have a few issues.
37. I’m smart but I never put in any effort so I’ll probably never amount to anything extraodinary.
38. One day I will be famous.
39. One day I will be a rockstar and have lots of groupies. Girlfriends and groupies don’t go well together.
40. I like to get naked in inappropriate places.
41. I don’t understand why you aren’t naked too.
42. I generally just want you for sex.
43. I’d actually rather just use you as a spooning pillow.
44. I wish you would stop talking.
45. I wish you would talk so I don’t have to make awkward conversation.
46. I’m shy.
47. I will never approach you.
48. I will never ever tell you I like you.
49. I’m always busy not doing stuff with you.
50. I want to sleep when you want me to hang out with your parents.
51. Relationships are only awesome when you’re not in one.
52. Being single I can do what I want.
53. Your mother is such a bitch.
54. Your father is an idiot.
55. Did your brother get dropped on his head as a child?
56. Your sister is so much hotter than you.
57. I’m blunt.
58. I don’t really give a fuck.
59. I’m bored, lets fly to Queensland, whats that? you can’t? Sorry it’s over.
60. I’m going for a drive, be back next week.
61. I’ll come home when I feel like it.
62. I hate authority, a girlfriend is just another person to answer to.
63. I love kung-fu movies.
64. I choose the worst movies for dates.
65. Girls are too much work, I already have a job and it pays me, girls tend to be a drain on funds, like working overtime but paying to be at work. Confused? Good easy fix don’t have a girlfriend.
66. I hate tissues.
67. I love hankies.
68. That story wasn’t interesting the first time you told me, and yep it hasn’t got any better this time.
69. I still laughed at your story even though it was shit.
70. I probably hate all your friends.
71. I like to surf at ridiculous hours, often more than an hour’s drive away, less often but I will leave the country to surf, and I will never take you with me.
72. You don’t like the ocean.
73. You don’t appreciate bodyboarding, and when i say I’m going surfing I’m actually going bodyboarding, surfing is just easier to say, just let it go.
74. You’ll think all my friends are heaps hotter and heaps more stylish and cooler and witty and can actually converse with you and say all the things you want to hear and make you laugh so I won’t even bother even though I might like you.
75. I have public affairs with bands and their albums will get stuck on playback for months on end, you probably hate these bands with a passion.
76. I go to watch live music for the music not for the company.
77. If I think the band is shit I will leave.
78. If i’m bored I will leave.
79. Instead of talking about it I will leave.
80. I hate valentines day, christmas day, birthdays, easter and any other special day you could stupidly bring up.
81. I hate buying obligatory presents for said holidays, random presents and acts of kindness at random times are however amazing and say so much more.
82. I will make random acts of kindness mean so much more than they actually do.
83. I am a nurse and I am male, not hot, there are no sexy outfits for male nurses.
84. I look after people all day long at work so I do not want to look after you when i get home.
85. I listen to people complain about serious pain and issues like cancer every day at work, forgive me if I dismiss your papercut as not the life threatening issue you are making it out to be.
86. So jaded and I’m only 23.
87. I thoroughly enjoy talking about the grossest of things.
88. Especially over dinner.
89. If I was stranded in the desert and probably going to die of thirst I will probably drink my own urine.
90. If we were stranded on a boat in the pacific with no food and you died I would probably eat you.
91. Seafood is amazing.
92. I have to attend your demented great uncles 84th birthday with the rest of your retarded family, whats special about an 84th??
93. Your incredibly overweight uncles make fun of me being a nurse, it is their fat arsesI will be wiping the following week after they have a heart attack walking up a flight of stairs to the all-you-can-eat buffet at the club so go fuck yourself.
94. You don’t understand why you have trouble keeping weight off, maybe keep some food off your plate might help a little?
95. I’m an arsehole.
96. I will cheat on you, feel super guilty, not tell you but be stupidly nice to you the next time I see you and think your the greatest person ever.
97. It never clicks that I cheated on you because you’re not the greatest person ever. I actually don’t like you at all.
98. I know way too much.
99. I’m way too awesome.
100, So awesome you probably are too scared to approach me.
101. This list was way to easy, hence why i’m single and very happy

Why you should never get on a train, ever

1. I am sitting on a train as I write this. I look around and cannot see one person smiling. The train is full.
2. I like to think I have perfected the perfect stare. It is a combination of a blank stare and a fuck-off stare. This is essential for train travel.
3. Train platforms are disproportionately cold to the rest of the world. I wear layers, I wear a coat, I wear boots, I wear mittens but still my nose turns red from cold.
4. Train travel is surprisingly expensive. I could buy a new dress every fortnight with the money I spend on trains.*
5. A stylish girl gets on the train.** A boy dressed in a SuperCheapAuto work shirt sits opposite her. He has greasy hair and cheap work pants. She rolls up a cardigan and leans her head on it to sleep. He taps her on the shoulder and offers her the tiny pillow he has just pulled out of his backpack. She declines. This actually happened.
6. Germs. Think of the germs. Think of being trapped in a metal box with hundreds of people who have swine flu, or cholera or Hep C.
7. Rainy weather is shit unless you are at home, tucked up in bed (preferably with a laptop and a cup of tea or a good company). Agreed? Well when it rains, I have to wait on a train platform while sheets of rain ruin my favourite boots, knowing the train will be late. Trains are always late in the rain.
8. I really need to wee right now, but I refuse to wee on the train.*** You don’t need me to go into detail as to why, do you?
9. A few years ago, when I was young enough and stupid enough to give boys a chance even if I wasn’t into them, I gave my phone number to a boy after we drunkenly kissed on a dance floor. He was 21 and a virgin. He decided that I was his girlfriend. Over the next few weeks he proceeded to call me every day to ask what “we” were doing. There was no “we”. I told him that and he freaked out. I accidently made eye contact with him on the train yesterday.
10. I am worried I have become immune to the smell of wee. Half an hour ago when I got on the train the entire carriage smelt like wee. Now I can’t smell wee anymore.
11. Sometimes, for no reason at all, cityrail will send a 3-carriage train instead of the usual 8-carriage train. When this happens I have to stand up for an hour and a half.
12. Commuters hate each other. Right now I hate the hair of the woman in front of me. I can’t tell if it’s wet or just has too much product in it, but it is coloured cheap-red**** and she has tried to wrangle what could have been nice curls into some kind of order. She has no pride in herself.
13. Personal space is important. You don’t get personal space on a train.
14. I am short. If, on a packed train, someone reaches up to hold the top of the handrail, their underarm will be in my face.
15. Some mornings I wake up filled with train-dread. I am so sure I cannot survive another day of train travel. This is no way to live.
16. People tuck half-eaten sandwiches and apple cores in the gap between the seat and the wall.
17. I have been on trains where someone has decided it’d be okay to eat a curry, or a banana, or a packet of cheezels. It’s never okay.
18. The guy in the seat next to me is sneaking looks at what I am typing. This is annoying but I can’t judge—I’m subtly trying to read my horoscope in his newspaper.
19. If you catch the train you will be late for work. This is a given.
20. Yesterday, while on the train, I got really funny text message. I giggled as silently as I could but every time I thought about it I fell into fits of giggles again. The boy across the aisle from me looked at me like I was crazy. Nothing can be funny on a train.
21. A man just sat next to me. His aftershave reminds me of high school. I want to vomit.
22. I once got stuck sitting behind a trio of teenagers on a Friday afternoon. They were on their way to GET DRUNK, WOO!!! They also were in that stage where you first have sex and want to talk about it in detail ALL THE TIME. Hearing about their passion-pop-fuelled sex lives made me want to vomit.*****
23. I once got stuck sitting across from two older women. They were dressed in matching red t-shirts and beige slacks. They each had a little coloured scarf tied around their neck and their hair puffed up. They were just as, if not more, obnoxious than the teenagers.
24. Don’t smile at me. I am a serious writer. Can’t you tell?
25. Yes, my computer is small. Yes, I use it for word processing and the internet. No, I don’t want to discuss the differences between the Asus Eee and the HP mini.
26. I just checked and yes, I am going to be late for work. And I still need to wee.
27. There is a guy who has taken his shoes off and placed his smelly-sock feet on the chair opposite.
28. There is a girl on the phone. She is telling her boyfriend/mum/sister about her day/what she had for lunch/how tired she is. Her life bores me.
29. There is a guy sitting on the stairs. I am about to get up and get off the train (yesssss) but he has blocked the exit. I am going to have to stare at him until he moves and it is going to be awkward.
30. Once, I was on a crowded city train when a guy broke into a drug-induced dance. It was brilliant. I tried to take a sneaky photo of him with my phone. He saw.
31. Normal social etiquette rules do not apply on trains. When else can you sit with a friend but completely ignore them while you apply make-up/read trash magazines/eat a snack?
32. Trains stop often, for no apparent reason.
33. Train guards and drivers do not speak English. This is fact.
34. Once, someone thought it would be funny to let off a smoke bomb on a train. It wasn’t. No, it definitely wasn’t.
35. Trains seats and walls are covered with stupid graffiti. It says ‘pork’ on the window.
36. Train travel is boring (unless you are talented enough to be writing a book, as I am).
37. Someone just had to sit down next to the sock-feet. I feel bad for that guy.
38. There are long stretches of the train trip where there is NO PHONE RECEPTION. You can’t imagine what it’s like.
39. Once, someone threw a rock through the window of a train I was on. A rock. Someone could have been killed. Nobody was, but I got home half an hour late.
40. It is dark when I leave for the train station; it is dark when I leave work to walk back to the train station. I may turn into a vampire or something.******
41. Trains provide A LOT of thinking time. If you are an overthinker this becomes a problem. (Don’t worry, I’m not.)
42. Sometimes I get bored and start internet shopping on the train. Right now I am fighting the urge to hunt for the perfect pair of man-style pants. I want to wear them when I work from home, on those glorious days when I don’t catch the train.
43. If I add together the time I spend on the train and the time I spend at my desk, I sit down for, um, eleven hours a day.*******
44. If you don’t want to get fat you’ll have to wake up at 5.20 am each day to go for a run.
45. I live on six hours sleep a night. I blame you, train.
46. I listen to my iPod so often that sometimes my ears get sore.
47. I listen to my iPod so often that I get sick of the most amazing albums. Sorry James Mercer, it’s really hard for me to listen to Oh, Inverted World anymore.********
48. I just decided to listen to Oh, Inverted World. While it was good for 2 minutes and 40 seconds, it brought back memories of the time when I was in love with the album. I’d rather not talk about that right now. Arcade Fire, you’re up.
49. The airconditioning is never right on a train. Sometimes, when I indulge in a little train-nap, I wake up with numb toes.
50. Someone just sneezed. Please see # 6.
51. If I miss my train home I have to wait for 40 minutes on a platform in Redfern. This is not recommended.
52. I no longer go for after-work drinks because I will miss my train.
53. I often find myself staring at someone—a boy with too-big headphones, an overweight girl with great cleavage. I can’t help it.
54. I find it really amazing when my train passes a train going in the opposite direction and I get to stare at the people inside. I understand this is not actually amazing.
55. Sometimes I make up names and life stories for people in my carriage. The guy in the black hoodie is named Garcia. He plays basketball.
56. Oh my gosh sock-feet guy just SNORTED IN HIS SLEEP.
57. Ticket inspectors come often. When this happens I have to dig through my bag to find my ticket. Sometimes, if I’m feeling polite, I take my iPod out of my ears. Definitely not ideal.
58. HE SNORTED AGAIN.
59. If you are a student you pay half of what I do to catch the train. Please note that I am a student, but cityrail doesn’t recognise my part-time research degree as study. Bastards.
60. If you are a pensioner you pay one tenth of what I do to catch the train.
61. Friday morning: I have spent almost one whole day of this week on a green vinyl seat.
62. The ticket inspector has a copy of Ralph sticking out of his pants pocket. Classy.
63. Overheard: “Oh. My. God. She didn’t! I mean, it’s not like she’s even hot.” Please see #28
64. Things that annoy me this morning: the girl across from me is wearing a hoodie with purple and green stars on it. Two seats in front of her a peroxide blonde is wearing a red head-band with a bow on it as though she is Blair Waldorf. Guy at the front of the carriage is wearing square reflective metal-frame sunglasses.
65. Sometimes it is just too beautiful: smoke curling towards the sun, purple-stained storm clouds over the sea, the sea itself churning below the cliffs, fingers of light sneaking between the trees. I get distracted and forget I should be writing.
66. When I was a child my dad commuted to Sydney every day. I promised myself I would never do that to myself.
67. Sometimes, when going through tunnels, I stare at my reflection in the window and fix my hair. I am aware that I am ridiculous.
68. I actually used the wrong ‘your’ in a sentence the other day. I did this on a train. I was/am horrified.
69. There is a constant battle for the centre arm rest. This morning, I win.
70. Sometimes couples snuggle on a train. This is gross.*********
71. A girl just got on the train. She is pretty but wearing too much make up. Her iPhone cover is baby pink and glittery.********** She also has a mirrored screen protector.
72. An iPhone is essential for train travel. I am sure commuters could single-handedly keep Apple in business.
73. I have run out of Jila Mints. I love Jila Mints.
74. After sitting on the train for hours I feel like I smell like wee. Please note that I do not.
75. The guy behind me has his feet on the back of my seat. My chair moves when he moves. Don’t worry, I just gave him a fuck-off stare in the window.
76. We were making good time this morning, but now the train has stopped.
77. The woman next to me has some kind of caramel latte. I don’t even like coffee but I am jealous.
78. Sometimes I am sure I have boarded the train to Creepsville.
79. On Fridays people are drunk on the train. Actually, who am I kidding, this can happen any day of the week.
80. The guy opposite me is eating a kebab. I am that hungry I want to eat a kebab. He is a ranga.
81. The guy in front of him is eating a delicious-looking yoghurt-coated nut bar. I want to eat a delicious yoghurt-coated nut bar.
82. The guy in front of that guy is eating something too. I can’t see what it is but I’m sure I don’t want to eat it. He is fat.
83. I am out-of-touch with world events because I do not have time to buy a newspaper before the morning train-ride.
84. Kebab guy just sneezed five times. I counted. Please see # 6.
85. Fellow commuters place their bags on seats to stop me sitting next to them. It’s not personal. I don’t want to sit next to them either.
86. Kebab guy is blowing his nose loudly in a handkerchief. Hankies are among the most disgusting things in the world.
87. Waiting for the 7:18, January is endless.
88. I would like to learn Spanish. I don’t have time to learn Spanish because I spend my spare time on trains.
89. I would like to learn photography. I don’t have to learn photography because I spent my spare time on trains.
90. Yoghurt-coated nut bar guy just dropped his wrapper on the floor. Please see # 16.
91. Overheard: “Jaz, I see you’ve been chatting with Thomas on facebook … what’s going on with that? Do you liiike him?” Zzzzzz.
92. Every morning, precisely when the train is about to arrive, there is an announcement along the lines of “The 7.24 is running five minutes late. We apologise for the inconvenience.” I can’t tell you the exact announcement because the guards do not speak English, as previously discussed.
93. Let’s drive to Brighton on the weekend.
94. Once my mother was on a train. When the train got to her stop the doors wouldn’t open. She was stuck on the train. I am sure this is quite common on trains.
95. When there is trackwork, buses replace trains. Or sometimes trains replace trains but you have to change trains every couple of stops. This invariably results in you being late for work.
96. You’ll find yourself working later than you’d like to on a Friday. What’s the point of leaving early if there are no trains for another hour?
97. I’m seriously hungry now. And I don’t even have Jila Mints to see me through.
98. The sad truth is I choose to live this way.
99. I am currently having a small stare-off with a a guy at the other end of the carriage. He looked away first. Win.
100. I am intensely jealous of your easy easy life.
101. Oh my gosh he just snorted again.

* I could buy two new dresses a week if I was cheap. I am not.

** Not me. A different stylish girl.

*** Unless I am drunk, but that is an entirely different onehundredandone.

**** Cheap–red bears little to no resemblance to the colour of my hair, which is also red.

***** Please note I was listening to my iPod at the time. Teenagers are loud.

****** Will you still like me if I am a vampire?

******* I am actually embarrassed to admit that.

******** Actually, that may be a lie. I’ve decided to listen to it right now.

********* Okay fine, I’m jealous.

**********Glitter. Worst substance known to man?